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Super helpful and lots of examples She mentions other cultures views on apologies but then re centres one view and I wish there was a bit space left for the former But still, worth reading Quick review for a quick read It took me around 4 or so hours to read through this thought provoking psychological read on the dissection of apologies Topics that Harriet Lerner approaches in this book include what constitutes an apology and what doesn t , what the types of apologies are, when and how to give them, why people don t give them, and the reception of apologies on a number of different levels I also like the fact that this narrative mentions that you don t need to forgive someone for a wrongdoing in order to move forward from it which is well intentioned advice, but not a one size fits all for every person and situation I like the fact that this book unpacks so many different scenarios with empathy, detail, cultural references, and application I didn t have previous expectations as to what to get out of this brief read, but it left me with much to think about long after I finished it I will definitely keep this in my personal library and will revisit it in moments where I need to look at difficult conversations and situations on a number of levels wonderful audio narration by Cassandra Campbell.Overall score 4.5 5 stars. 3.5 an important conversation to begin stars All of us have been hurt by strangers and loved ones alike These hurts take up a disproportionate amount of our interior lives and are sometimes the cause of dysfunctional ways of being in the world, in our relationships and with ourselves Dr Lerner begins a very important conversation about the nature of hurt, betrayals, apologies and forgiveness She bitten off a huge topic and in a pleasant and vaguely helpful way discusses the nature of the above with research, clinical examples and her own lived experience The writing is accessible and interesting but she fails to delve into any of the above with the gusto and detail that I craved This is neither clinical manual nor self help book but rather a meandering albeit wise tome that weaves in and out with insight and keen observations This is the kind of book that you may need to read two or three times to allow the material to permeate your own defenses and emotional reactions On first read, though, I wanted and expected from this most helpful of psychologist I will not apologize for that 5 stars Harriet Lerner s latest book is filled with points on apology the bogus apology, the overlong apology, holding off on the use of BUT and IF which are dealbreakers, and when and how to give and accept an olive branch Earnest, honest considerate apologies retain connection in relationships, demonstrate respect and maturely express accountability And most people have a hard time letting go to offer an apology Lerner covers that and in her very informative book I was hoping to find something a bit different than that, wise advice that it is And eventually, on page 143 of this 190 page guide, I did, plus I m an apologizer, an anomaly in my original family It was a family that didn t talk about the big stuff, a mom who shut down from my non apologizing father, siblings who took cues on how to hold power and I learned to shut up and try to avoid getting in trouble My father carried and created weighty grudges My mom ran interference when she could Apologies were not modelled in that household By the time I d married my second husband, I d realized that I wasn t a fighter Neither is my husband Neither of us had to duck the other and we could refine the art of apology, listening closely and respecting each other I had a safe zone I began to take that safe zone with me, in encounters with others, and practiced my apologies openly where I understood I needed to Not perfection, just trying.When a sequence of shattering episodes of power plays, blaming, shaming and fury blew up recently, with forty year old grievances I d never heard before, I was gutted I was the fall guy for a difficult family transition and their minds were made up My original family was oddly now serene There would be no conversation with them They had said their piece, closed the door I was uncomprehending I tried reason, letters, wishes for explanations, apologies for my ignorance, desire to understand, notes and gifts over an extended time, hoping Nothing My father s cross generational pattern of cut off had found me Losses we don t see coming are the most difficult to deal withWhen the non apologetic wrongdoer has never been accountable, our reactive brain excels in rehashing grievances A heartfelt apology allows the hurt party the space to explore the possibilities of healing instead of just trying to make sense of it all The apology is also a gift to ourself we cannot orphan ourselves from our first family When we cut off from a close family member, that person becomes an even bigger presence inside us So how do I go on I ve travelled the corridors of grief and guilt, of disbelief and utter helplessness I ve struggled with irony that my family has been the centrally most important aspect of my life, argued with letting go and wrestled with the knotted concept of forgiveness Harriet Lerner writes, When it comes to our close relationships, I agree with the words of Janis Abrahms Spring YOU DON T RESTORE YOUR HUMANITY WHEN YOU FORGIVE AN UNAPOLOGETIC OFFENDER HE RESTORES HIS HUMANITY WHEN HE WORKS TO EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS Thank you, Harriet Lerner For now, then, I ll just breathe Five stars RECOMMENDED Valuable nuggets on a challenging social skill and relationship changer. This book deserves 5 solid stars, and I don t give out 5 stars very often This book is invaluable to anyone who has friends and or family in their lives who lack luster in the apology department It covers both big hurts, such as deep seeded wounds of child abuse, as well as smaller offenses, such as a friend not saying thank you when you pick up the check I have people in my life who behave this way and I find it very frustrating For this reason, I decided to read the book for myself as well as a possible recommendation for my clients I don t like to recommend a book to a client if I myself haven t read it from cover to cover So there I went plowing away at this book , turning the pages and devouring the wisdom on every single page Dr Lerner delivers her wealth of knowledge and experience with both empathy and humor a combination I found to be very endearing and personal By the end of the book, I felt I had just completed a very long, cathartic and productive therapy session myself and I needed it Who doesn t Going into this book, I had expected to gain insight as to why others don t apologize, as well as how I can learn to live with or confront their shortcomings These insights are indeed in the book and extremely helpful And in fact, I really wish some of my family members would read this book and learn how to give a heartfelt apology However, I didn t expect to experience self growth in terms of my own shortcomings when it comes to not only giving my own proper apology , but in the ways in which I ask for an apology I sure can improve on both fronts and I will If you are one of this people who over apologize, I am not , the book also addresses this behavior and you may find it helpful Thank you Dr Lerner I appreciate the therapy session What a bargain Sensible, clear and wise advice, with humour and honesty throughout Just what I needed to read and think about Many clear examples and suggested scripts A balanced approach, without much of the quasi mystical gobbledy gook of many self help books on this topic. Reading this book was kind of a wake up call for me Before I read this book, I couldn t even recall how many times in my life that I said sorry to the other people that they couldn t accept I got hurt and frustrated so often thinking that the other party did not have the willingness to fix the problems while I wanted to I would easily jump to conclusions that the other people were being difficult or they just wanted to prolong the fight The thing was that I was never aware of how insincere some of my apologies may have sounded or they actually were Which is why this book came to rescue Ever since I started reading this book, I got this conscious angel on my shoulder warning me all the signs of making faux apology This book got me to take a step back and think before I d apologize someone Am I really sorry Or do I just want to shut up the other person And surprisingly, the latter happened often than I thought It made me reflect on my past experience with other people and I also started to realize how I may have even worsened the bad situation with my apologies It was a great read I enjoyed the first half of the book than the rest I got a little bored after I had finished 60% or so but I would definitely come back to this book whenever I need the advice It is going to be one of the necessary handbooks of my life. Go read this now It will make you a better person And then you ll give it to someone else to make them a better person. We ve all witnessed, or likely experienced firsthand, the power of an apology A sincere apology can repair damage done, while an insincere, or even absent apology, can cause further hurt that hits us harder than the deed that should be apologized for Harriet Lerner shows us how to compose an honest and heartfelt apology, receive an apology, and move forward in restoring our relationships Well worth the read ^FREE PDF ⇳ Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts ☙ The Renowned Psychologist And Bestselling Author Of The Dance Of Anger, Harriet Lerner Sheds New Light On The Two Most Important Words In The English Language I M Sorry And Offers A Unique Perspective On The Challenge Of Healing Broken Relationships And Restoring TrustLerner Has Been Studying Apologies For Than Two Decades In Why Won T You Apologize She Offers Compelling Stories And Solid Theory To Demonstrate The Transformative Power Of Making Amends, And What Is Required For Healing When The Damage We Ve Inflicted Or Received Is Far From Simple Readers Will Learn How To Craft A Meaningful Apology And Avoid Signals Of Insincerity That Only Deepen SufferingIn Why Won T You Apologize Lerner Challenges The Popular Notion That Forgiveness Is The Only Path To Peace Of Mind And Helps Those Who Have Been Injured To Resist Pressure To Forgive Too Easily She Explains What Drives Both The Non Apologizer And The Over Apologizer, And Why The People Who Do The Worst Things Are The Least Able To Own Their Misdeeds With Her Trademark Humour And Wit, Lerner Offers A Joyful And Sanity Saving Guide To Setting Things Right